Survivor Mom

What to do with a spoiled child? This is what my friend asked me, she said because they were too busy with work they hardly spend quality time with their child so to make up with their shortcomings they just shower the kid with money and material things. However because of that their child would always have tantrums and manipulating behavior when they fail to give what she wants.

How to deal with a spoiled child in the best possible way? Here are a few tips to help you.

Keep Your Temper in Check
First and most important, is to keep your temper under control. Shouting at your child is not going to get him to listen to you, and it will simply increase your stress levels. Keep your voice even, and when your child begins to increase his/her voice, firmly tell them to lower their voice. If they refuse to listen to you, do not stand and continue listening to them. Ignore their behavior, and tell them you will listen to them only when they are ready to talk reasonably.

Start as early as Possible
As soon as it dawns on you that your child has been manipulating you lately with tears, and pouts and by laying guilt on you (which you probably take knowingly or unknowingly), the alarm bells should go off in your head. STOP NOW! Do not indulge your child unnecessarily, give him what ever he wants just to stop him from disturbing you in the middle of something important, or simply to stop his crying, tantrums, or whining! All this gives out the wrong signals o your child, telling him that ‘anything goes’, and that a little crying, yelling or complaining will get him what he wants, no sweat.

Reward Good Behavior
Better than punishing bad behavior, is to reward the good behavior displayed by your child. Punishing bad behavior will tell your child not to do certain things, but rewarding good behavior will also inculcate good habits in children and tell them what kind of behavior is nice, reasonable, and good. Decide on a particular thing, for e.g., if you think your child has too many toys, instead of punishing him every time he asks for another toy, explain to him how he cannot possibly play with more than a couple of toys at a time. Then ask him to sort out his toys and for every extra toy that he decides to give up to some needy child, give him something that he has wanted for a long time. But that doesn’t mean that you give him other material things, ALL THE TIME. Most of the times, words of praise, hugs and kisses, etc. should be enough. Only once in a while give rewards in the form of material possessions. You do not want him to end up thinking that it is a replacement scheme, where he can trade one thing for another!

Set Limits on Purchases
Ask your child to maintain a list of all the toys, gadgets, clothes, etc., that he owns, along with the number of those things, and ask him to keep adding to that list every time he gets something new. Every time you head to the supermarket or a mall, ask your child to make a list of all the things he wants. Then ask him to refer to the previous list and decide whether he actually needs (NOT wants) all the items on his list. Decide how many items he is going to be allowed, and set limits for your child BEFORE you get to the store and tell him very strictly that at no cost is he going to get anything else.

Teach Children to Prioritize
When your child says he wants a few things, ask him to decide which are the things he WANTS, and which are the things that he NEEDS. Teach him to put the needs before the wants, but also teach him that sometimes even needs are not fulfilled, and you have to make do till they are! Now, I’m not saying do not provide well for your child. What I mean is, if his iPod is not working, and has been sent for repair, teach him that a new iPod is a WANT not NEED, and that he can very well do without an iPod for a couple of weeks! Simple enough? It will not scar your child in the long term, although that may be the exact feeling you get when he cries. Gadgets and material possessions are supposed to make our lives easier for us, but you do not want your child growing up a slave to these things, right?

Ignore Unreasonable/Unruly Behavior
When you have set limits, and then mutually agreed on following them, do not entertain any unreasonable behavior from your child. Do not lose your patience either, because he is only a child and he is bound to be tempted with all the ‘wow’ things he sees in the malls! But firmly tell him to stick to his part of the deal, and if he really wants the new toy/gadget so much, then add it to the next list. If he refuses to listen, simply ignore his whining and crying. When this happens a couple of times, he will realize that tears/threats/guilt-laying no longer work on you, and eventually stop resorting to such techniques.

Address the Root Cause of the Problem
Try to find out whether there is a pattern or a trigger in your child’s tantrums/threats etc. If he starts building a tantrum every time you refuse to do something with him, like playing games, or if he gets angry every time he sees something new that his friends have, then learn to recognize the signs. In the earlier case, he just wants your attention, which you may be finding difficult to give because of your busy schedule. In such a case, compulsorily set a time each day, maybe an hour (whenever it’s convenient for the both of you), to spend with your child. In the second case, he probably gets a feeling that his friends’ parents love him more and hence they keep getting new things for them. Explain to him, that love doesn’t mean spending as much money as possible on him. There are other ways of showing your love for someone, so he should not think that you love him any less than his friends’ parents love them!

Teach Them to Value and Earn Things
Once in a while, sit down and talk to them. I mean, really talk! Tell them about under privileged kids, orphans, teach your child to count the ways in which he is lucky instead of complaining about what he doesn’t have. Once in a while ask him to help out with the housework and give him incentives after he has done the work! Like maybe give him a book, if he has taken out the trash, cleaned the car and mowed the lawn. This will also teach him the value of things since he has to earn them! He will definitely treasure them more and take care of them without being told to do so… What more can you ask for, right?

A kid’s mind is innocent. What he sees, he believes. If he sees that his tantrums are being rewarded, he will continue to do so, whereas if he sees that it is not an effective way to get things, he will eventually tire of them and stop. Also, keep a check on your behavior. Next time you are buying something for your child, because you couldn’t take him to the movies, or got caught up in work and could not host a party for his birthday, stop yourself. At the same time, it is best to remember that nothing in this world is more important than you, to your child, and all he wants is attention from you! No amount of toys or other things can ever make up for the time that you don’t spend with him every day, and no parent can be so busy that he can’t spend at least an hour with his child every day, or even every other day. In a child’s world, Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Give that to your child, and you will notice the changes pretty soon!

By Gauri Huddar

Mothers, working or not, are always busy handling indoor and outdoor chores resulting in no time for themselves. Here are some helpful stress relieving techniques.

1. Identify the cause. Be aware of the issues that are generating stress. Do not ignore the slightest hint and try to perceive how the body reacts emotionally and physically. Accordingly, determine how you can change the surroundings to avoid, curtail or eliminate stress completely from your life. Have a control over your conduct and try to moderate the physical and emotional reactions under stressful circumstances. Medications bring short term relief of course, but control over one’s self is the most important key.

2. Let it out. Bottling up anger and pushing aside problems only result in building up of intense emotions. Talk with a friend or a family member who understands. Relationships and communications are great stress reducers. Emotional support from a person who cares for you goes a long way and makes life much easier. Plenty of social activities will automatically solve a lot of problems busy mothers face at work or in their domestic life.

3. Think positively. Women have a tendency to brood over matters which they think they could have done better. This tendency to self-suffer makes them more open to stress. So, let it go. Instead, admit to the failures, shortcomings, agonies, sacrifices and imperfections and focus on the positive aspects of life. Make a plan and figure out how you can perform better the next time.

4. Make new friends. Making acquaintances apart from the colleagues at work is very important because the friends from work place tend to discuss topics related to work which is the main thing that ties them all together. Friendships that take place outside the work area broadens the mind, helps share personal interests and experiences and provide opportunities to indulge in activities together unrelated to work like jogging or swimming, going to a movie or a health spa or a picnic.

5. Take a day off. Usually the wife is the one looking after the kids, picking up after them, feeding and bathing them in addition to all other regular household chores. Let your husband do the chores for one day of the week every week while you relax on the sofa and turn on some music. Talk with your husband, explain and schedule a workday for him.

6. Take it slow, enjoy motherhood. Mothers, working or not, are always hard pressed for time. So, they are always on the run. Rushing down to the grocery store after putting the toddler hurriedly in the car seat, flying up and down the stairs with the laundry, cooking a fast meal for self, cleaning the kitchen in five minutes all become regular routine and when the mother finally finds time to catch up on her favorite TV show, the baby starts bawling in the crib. There will always be something to be done. Strike off two or three things that you know can wait from your to-do list. Start your day before everyone in your household does. Wake up one hour earlier and enjoy a nice, warm cup of coffee at peace in your kitchen. Take a stroll in your neighborhood and admire the smiling daisies, the lush greens and take in as much fresh morning air as you can. Drive slower than usual on your way back from work. Slow walking helps release the stress. So, go out with your baby in the stroller during the evening hours after you are back from work and watch the sun go down. Listen to music in the evening, dance to the tunes with your baby and fill yourself with a refreshing pleasure.

7. Laugh a lot. Correctly evaluate a situation and stop blaming yourself for another person’s mistakes. Attack stress with the laughter weapon. Laughter medicine releases disease fighting antibodies, stimulates heart and lungs, relieves muscle tension, increases longevity and improves oxygen supply in the blood. Hearty laughter needs no effort at all. Invest a little in jokes books or funny cartoon magazines, hang around with people with good sense of humor or simply play with your kids and pets in your backyard after a long work day and rejuvenate your soul.

8. Diet and exercise. There is so less time for busy mothers to take care of themselves that either they can’t think about exercising or they are too tired at the end of the day to do some sit ups. But, mothers, here is a good and affordable solution to your problem. Exercising three or four times a week builds up your physical reserves and helps you fight stress more efficiently. Moderate and slow exercises like cycling, walking, aerobics, swimming and jogging can be very effective to ward off stress. Exercises help you sleep better and start a whole new day with new vigor and an enhanced feeling of self esteem.

9. Indulge yourself with Yoga and meditation. The rewards of yoga are endless, both physically and mentally. Setting up and honestly following a fitness regime which is both enjoyable and exhilarating both calms the mind and strengthens the body, giving you the boost, much needed by busy mothers, to carry yourself further. Practiced for centuries, yoga massages the internal organs as well as energizes the soul. It stimulates the muscles in the various body parts in a non-strenuous manner and brings about flexibility in those areas which were never so much worked upon before thus stimulating active blood circulation which means efficient transport of nutrients attributing to delayed ageing, a boost in stamina, improved digestion, dodging disability, enhanced breathing, rejuvenation of skin and radiation of confidence. You will discover a new vigor in life. Most importantly, the goal of yoga is to attune body with mind and soul. It requires only 15-20 minutes each morning to practice yoga. Regular practice of yoga will relieve you of physical pain and stress giving you a positive outlook towards life and enlightenment of soul. It is the exercise of the body as well as the mind. Thousands have been aroused by yoga’s magical touch and have benefited from it. In essence, the centuries’ old healing touch of yoga will transform your life at the spiritual level.

10. Pamper yourself with Aromatherapy. The word aromatherapy actually means the use of essential oils (many of which have magnificent aromas) found in various plant parts like flowers, seeds, fruits, leaves, bark or wood in a curative manner. Aroma or essence is found everywhere and it influences our mood in a wide variety of ways. Aromas of some spices like cinnamon and cardamom in the kitchen water the mouth while lavender and chamomile scented candles around the tub soothe the nervous system. Rose petals in bathing water improve the skin texture, dried citrus fruits freshen the indoor air and sandalwood powder alleviates stress. Aroma of ginger in tea eases cold symptoms and meditating with the use of jasmine incense in a dimly lit room and a restful environment calms the mind and sets the mood.

It is extremely difficult for busy mothers to find time to pamper them with the elaborate techniques of aromatherapy. But one thing is for sure. It is a sure shot stress buster. So, if the busy mother can find time, there is no alternative to aromatherapy.

Some aromatherapy techniques:

a) Massage- is the key to longevity. When we massage ourselves or receive a massage with essential oils, the oils lubricate the skin and are absorbed by the body. They enter through the pores in the skin, seep through the tissues and reach the bloodstream, which helps them reach the various organs of the body. The exhilarating aroma of the oils refreshes and relaxes the mind, rejuvenates the skin and cools down the body.

Recipe for massage:

3 drops of olive oil

2 drops of neem oil

2 drops of sandalwood oil

3 drops of arachis oil

3 drops of lavender oil

Mix the oils and gently massage all over the body after bath when the body is most receptive.

b) Meditation- Fragrances enter the human body through the nasal pores and stimulate the olfactory nerves. These nerves then carry the impulses to the brain thus energizing it, which in turn does the job of arousing the whole body. This influences the hormone levels of the body that regulate desires, passions, urges, emotions and memories. The subtle effect of the oils thus can control the senses and the body responses accordingly.

Recipe for meditation:

5 parts Sandalwood oil

3 parts Frankincense

2 parts Myrrh

Put the ingredients in a diffuser and put it in your room where you intend to meditate.

c) Sleep promotion and stress relief- Nothing can be compared to the soaking of the whole body in a tub full of lukewarm water with a few drops of essential oils in it after a full day of work. Aromatic candles with lavender scent can also be added to the scenario. The vapors penetrate the skin and reach the brain, where they stimulate the nerves and send down a cool, revitalizing and relaxing sensation all throughout the body.

Recipe to promote sleep:

4 drops lavender oil

Add 4 drops lavender oil to 1 teaspoon milk. Pour into warm bath water and soak or put them in a diffuser at bedtime.

Recipe to relieve stress:

1. 3 parts ylang ylang

2 parts Lavender oil

1 part Sandalwood oil

2. 4 drops of sandalwood oil

5 drops of lavender oil

Pour then in warm bath water and soak or put them in a diffuser at bedtime.

Lastly, do whatever is good for you. Take positive steps to reduce stress like laughing aloud with friends and family, going for an outing, pampering yourself one afternoon with a facial while your kids stay with their father or a babysitter or just soak yourself in the tub with some aromatic oils and rose petals after putting the kids to sleep. Determine the stress causing elements and be creative in finding solutions befitting your hectic schedule to not let them hamper your life. Put yourself to test and try to make these solutions work for you.

source: essortment.com

What should your kids do if it is storming outside and the Department of Education has just declared that classes have been cancelled? Well, FN has a few suggestions for fighting the boredom monster.

1. READ A BOOK.
Suggest that your child read one of his or her newest books–or reread an old favorite. This will give you or whoever is supervising some quiet time while keeping your child amused.

2. PLAY BOARD GAMES.
These aren’t just fun; they also help teach your child valuable skills he or she will be able to use throughout life. Games combine the spirit of competition and sportsmanship with strategy, so your child will learn to think ahead–and be a good loser or winner. The downside is, board games usually need more than two players. You may also use cards and video games as alternatives.

3. DO ADVANCED WORK OR READING.
This will give your child a leg up on his classmates once classes resume; because he’s already familiar with the content, it means he’ll be able to participate more in class and assimilate more of what the teacher talks about when she or he gets to these advanced chapters.

4. WATCH A MOVIE.
Make sure you have a preselected list of movies that are on the “Okay to Watch” list. While letting kids become couch potatoes who do nothing but watch TV shows or movies all day is in no way healthy, playing hooky from the family TV schedule on a stormy day is an experience your child will enjoy. Let’s face it–when you were a kid, didn’t you just love plopping down on the couch with a tummy-warming snack and your favorite Disney fairytale?

5. REVIEW PAST LESSONS.
If your child has any trouble spots in recent lessons, you might want to take advantage of this reprieve from school to let him catch up on these. Even if he is fairly confident about a subject, it doesn’t hurt to do a little back reading. After all, this will help him ace any pop quizzes his teachers might think to give!

6. PLAY HOUSE.
Maybe your kids will want to make “forts” out of cardboard boxes in the living room or pretend to cook with their toy pots and pans. Let them take charge of their playtime and encourage them to get creative. Playing “Defend the Fort”? Turn it into an exercise in strategy. Holding a tea party for stuffed animals? Think of impossible but fun things to serve “guests.”

7. HELP OUT WITH CHORES.
If there’s one thing a storm (or even a rainy day) brings, it’s a bit of a mess. If there are leaks, you’ll find yourself having to use buckets and towels on potentially hazardous indoor puddles. Leaves and water may be swept indoors or onto patios. Get your child to help you clean up–or even help you prepare those steaming bowls of champorado for the whole family to enjoy.

8. GET CREATIVE.
Pull out those paints, pads, pastels, crayons, coloring books, and so on! Encourage your child to indulge in the arts–if painting and drawing isn’t his thing, then you can always bring out the Magic Sing! If he’s got a full-to-bursting imagination and a story teller, you can teach him how to make story boards and mini comic books or use your computer to type up his stories and poems!

Got ideas of your own to share? Leave a comment and tell us all about them!